Un-Australian

With all this hoo-haa about Sally Robbins dropping her oar and "costing her team mates a medal they had zero chance of getting", I thought I'd give my thoughts on how the Olympics could be improved to make it more...Australian.

We have a rich heritage in sports down-under. From bowling under-arm to dummy spitting, we epitomise the gentleman sportsman. For us, there is no purpose to any endeavour unless the result is first place. We are winners. It was probably an Australian who said you don't win silver, you lose gold.

So, the first proposed change to the Olympics to make it more Australian is to remove all but the gold medal. No-one wants silver or bronze, they are un-Australian. In fact, there shouldn't be a gold medal, either. It should be a platinum, diamond and safron hybrid and there should be only ONE. Every athlete should have to compete in every sport and there will be just one winner. That is the Australian way.

Second, only athletes that have a 100% (or 110%, as it is known in Australian sport) of winning The Medal should be sent to the games. If you don't have a 100% chance, you are already a loser. Australian sport does not suffer losers. Losers are un-Australian.

Third, any athlete that drops an oar, suffers complete musclular breakdown, a heart-attack, an asthma attack or any form of loser behaviour (including not winning The Medal) is to be held in an internment camp. The final olympic event will be rifle shooting. All losers, including the losers of the rifle shooting, will be shot by the winner. He (it would be un-Australian for it to be a She) will then claim The Medal and will be put down through lethal injection. This is the Australian way.

On completion of the Olympics, all athlete support staff, Olympic staff, volunteers and members of the media will be marshalled into "The Showers", where they will be gassed. It is un-Australian to be at an Olympic games and not win The Medal.

All spectators, passers-by and the population of the host country will then be removed using a combination of nuclear, neutron and biological weapons. It is un-Australian to be in the vicinity of the Olympics and not win The Medal. The host country will then be dug up to a depth of 40 metres and the remnants shot into space.

Special monitors will be attached to every television and computer in the world. Anyone who watches or obtains information about the Olympics during the two week period of the Olympics will be killed through a small explosive charge that was implanted in the world's population prior to the Olympics. It is un-Australian to take an interest in the Olympics and not win The Medal.

All members of any athlete's race, ethnicity, religion or country that does not win The Medal will be hunted down, tortured and killed by a specially created "Loser Squad". It is imperative that the spread or Loserity, through belief systems or genetics, be halted as it is un-Australian.

As you can see, these small changes to the Olympic procedures would create a much greater spectacle and avoid the nasty taste that is left in our Australian mouths when we are forcibly subjected to the dreaded "loser". It is time we wiped all losers from our great country, from the world and from the Olympics. It is un-Australian to have to put up with it.